High school consent: a flawed model that keeps us safe
Consent as we get taught it in high school is a direct extension from its roots as a legal framework to determine rape. It is built on a model of nothing but a clear YES is a no. This works well as a defensive tool to protect ones self from rape, especially in freshly established relationships, casual sex and hookups, but it has its fair share of limitations. Many of these only occurs when you reach the extreme limit of scenarios, but there is one very common scenario where the "high school" model of consent breaks down: within an established long term relationship.
In an established relationship the way consent is communicated and functions fundamentally shifts, the rate of shift varies from relationship to relationship but it will always inevitably happen to some degree. The "high school" model assumes a enthusiastic YES, but in a relationship that often shifts instead to a assumed yes unless stated otherwise. This assumed yes is developed overtime through a combination of communication both in and out of the bedroom, boundary and limits being established, and trust. As two beings become more and more used to each other their body language and mood also becomes part of the equation. Once all of these things are combined, the idea of consent as we learn it in high school becomes basically useless, replaced by a more complex and elaborate model.
Understanding this shift is important for two reasons: one, it allows you to clearly see when and how the shift occurs and keep yourself safe in scenarios where that shift might be unhealthy (e.g. ongoing long term casual sex) where the shift should be limited or avoided depending on scenario. And secondly, understanding this alternative model of consent allows you to be aware of its own limitations which are vastly different from those of the high school model.
The first point above is obvious, but the second one is worth discussing. in particular the issue with an assumed yes, is there is still a requirement for the ability to say no to be available with no fear. This is often where manipulation occurs in an established relationship and what leads to partner on partner rape. Fundamentally there are a few ways this can occur but the most common come through coercion and fear, or more simply; emotional manipulation. Emotional manipulation doesn't have to be conscious and can be the result of poor communication, failure to establish proper boundaries, unaddressed mental health issues or other personal issues. In cases where the manipulation is accidental, the sooner either party can identify the issue, the quicker consent can be re-established and the relationship fixed before any real harm is done. This might painful and temporarily put significant strain on the relationship, but it will need doing. When the manipulation is deliberate, then we are in abuse territory and the quicker one can identify abuse, the quicker they can get to safety. Abuse can be difficult to identify and consent is often one of the most obvious places where abuse can be identified.
One critical issue that comes from the high school model, is that when it's misapplied to established relationships, it can lead to significant harm by creating a scenario where one or both parties have failed to understand that a shift in how consent is communicated has occurred. This can lead to a failure of communication by either or both parties. As a result it's important all parties involved understand the status quo and the current state of consent, and regularly check with each other to ensure they are on the same page. This ensures a preventative approach to misalignments in consent rather then reactionary responses that may be heated, painful or even accusatory. They should also be aware of how it can apply to other parties indirectly or unintentionally.